


Thinking Out Loud

by XxFandomTrashxX



Series: The Songs of Our Past Weigh a Heavy Toll On Our Future [10]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Feels???, Heavy Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Married Couple, Oops, Songfic, Soulmates, based off an ed sheeran song, for a year, he lived a bit longer after pennywise stabbed him, not based but inspired by, so it was a little delayed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:47:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22102042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XxFandomTrashxX/pseuds/XxFandomTrashxX
Summary: It’s Eddie’s fifteenth birthday, the events that took place two years ago already behind him and the Loser’s club, things they can’t think about without feeling nauseous at the least. After Pennywise fell to his death, Derry went back to normal, grant it, none of the missing kids came back, but no more kids were being murdered or abducted, and the Losers had to take this as a win. The three extra members had joined only because of the incident, but luckily, all of them had decided to stay together even after the nightmare was over.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: The Songs of Our Past Weigh a Heavy Toll On Our Future [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1332467
Kudos: 13





	Thinking Out Loud

**Author's Note:**

> Soulmates au where everything is monochrome until you meet your soulmate, only taking effect once you’re the age of fifteen. The color leaves when your soulmate dies and fades when they’re sick or dying.

Richie struggles with Eddie’s limo body, Bill helping him pull his body over to a large mass of rocks, his arms slung around their necks for easier transportation. The two set his body down with his back resting against a flat bolder.

~~~

It’s Eddie’s fifteenth birthday, the events that took place two years ago already behind him and the Loser’s club, things they can’t think about without feeling nauseous at the least. After Pennywise fell to his death, Derry went back to normal, grant it, none of the missing kids came back, but no more kids were being murdered or abducted, and the Losers had to take this as a win. The three extra members had joined only because of the incident, but luckily, all of them had decided to stay together even after the nightmare was over. 

The party wasn’t necessarily a party, rather, a get together with his best friends, Bev, Ben, Stan, Mike, Bill, and Richie. They all went to the ice cream parlor in town before heading to the park, Eddie and Bev taking the two swings available while the rest of the Losers sit on the grass a few feet away from the swings, refusing to sit on the mulch. They all eat their ice cream and joke, all of them laughing and enjoying themselves. 

“Aren’t you technically suppose to be at home, Stan?” Richie asks, licking his ice cream cone and staring at the male.

“Probably, but as long as I’m not working, I don’t think it matters,” Stan responds.

“Oh wait, it’s Sunday? Fuck...” Bev mumbles, facepalming.

“W-what’s wrong, B-B-Bev?” Bill asks.

“It’s nothing, I just forgot to finish a research paper, nothing I can’t do,” she replies with a reassuring smile.

“R-really? I-I-I could h-help-“ Bill starts before getting cut off by Ben.

“I could help you with any of the research if you need any,” Ben offers.

“I’m really fine, I just need to drop by the library before heading back home,” she says, her tone becoming slightly shyer.

“Hey, hey, hey, aren’t we suppose to be flirting with the birthday boy?” Richie asks with a broad smile, his eyes directed towards Eddie.

“No, but if you’d like to, go right on ahead,” Bev says with a small chuckle.

“Hear that, spaghetti man? I have everyone else’s approval to have you any way I want,” Richie says, waggling his eyebrows.

While everyone else audibly groans at Richie’s words, Eddie just looks away, his face flushing a light shade of pink. “Shut up, Richie,” Eddie murmurs, putting his ice pop into his mouth.

“What? I was just making sure you know that everyone agrees with me when I say you’re mine...” Richie says with a disappointed sigh.

Bev stands, “Well, as fun as this has been, I need to get that paper done or my English teacher is going to kick my ass back into eighth grade.”

Stan and Mike stand as well, “Yeah, I promised my dad I’d help him tonight in the slaughterhouse,” Mike states, unimpressed.

The other boys decide to get to their feet like the others, all of them separating and heading home after saying goodbye and happy birthday to Eddie, all of them except for Richie.

“If you’re coming home with me because you feel bad or something, fuck off...” Eddie says after five minutes of silence.

“What? Can’t a guy just escort his best friend home and make sure he gets there safe? Is that now a crime? If it is, I’ll be sentenced to life in prison.”

“You never do this, though...” Eddie says quietly, expression turning sour as he speaks before reverting to indifference.

“Yeah, well, it’s a nice night out and I want to enjoy it,” Richie responds, staring ahead with his hands buried in his pockets.

Honestly, he wasn’t wrong, the cooling evening air was nice this time of year, the leaves beginning to turn different shades, (different colors according to everyone who found their soulmates,) and fall from the trees, making messes, but also decorating roofs, the ground, and various other surfaces. The breeze flowing through the abandoned street made it more chilly, to the point that causes minor discomfort, but the soft sound of crunching leaves and the numerous smells only found in fall remedy the pain that comes from the breeze.

Eddie inhales softly, the smells of fall brightening his mood slightly, “Yeah, I suppose it is...” he admits quietly.

They reach the Kaspbrak residence all too quickly, Richie walking beside him up to the edge of their driveway. Eddie notes him stopping, halting once he reaches his porch, his foot resting on the first step and his hand lingering on the railing. “Aren’t you going to come inside or something? Or are you just being a creep?” He asks with a small, joking smile.

Eddie’s words bring a smile to Richie’s face, ”Nah, I know it’s rude to not escort a lady to the door, but I’m almost positive that your mom would be pissed...” he jokes back.

“Alright, suit yourself, I got some new comics for my birthday and thought you might’ve wanted to check them out with me.”

“I’ll come over tomorrow after school, it’s almost five and my mom is going to kick my ass if I don’t study tonight for the History test tomorrow.”

“Damn, I got that done yesterday,” Eddie says quietly, his eyes dropping and expression turning slightly upset, he remains like this for a few moments before looking back up to meet Richie’s eyes, his expression returning to a relaxed happy. “Well, I wish you luck with your studies.”

“Thanks, I sure will need that luck,” Richie responds with a soft chuckle, “Anyways, ill stop wasting your time and go,” he says after a few seconds of silence between the two, not an awkward silence, just... silence...

“Alright, have a good night, Rich,” Eddie waves at Richie as he leaves.

Richie returns the gesture, facing the opposite direction when he decides to do so, “You too, happy birthday, Eds.” 

Eddie shakes his head at the nickname, the smile still at home on his face even as he does so. He watches Richie walk away, turning back around and walking up the steps and into his house, he spends the next two hours reading comics before eating and going to sleep. 

~~~

Bill stands and moves back with the rest of the Losers, Richie getting down on his knees beside Eddie, tears fall from his eyes as he looks over the sight, his eyes being pulled away to meet Eddie’s eyes when he coughs quietly, moving his hands up to Richie’s cheeks and gently placing them on either side of his face, he wipes the tears from Richie’s left eye away, his left hand coated in blood, but the right thumb clean. He gently pulls Richie closer to them until their foreheads touch. Richie’s hands move up to gently rest on top of Eddie’s, the color quickly fading from his sight.

~~~

The bright white light the sun produces soon floods in, shining on his face and waking him up, albeit slowly, but it still does the job. Eddie sits up, rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands, he looks over to his clock, eyes widening in horror, he curses and jumps out of bed, quickly changing and grabbing his backpack, deciding that packing his lunch isn’t really a viable option in this situation, he rushes out the door, picking his bike up from the ground and jumping on it, he begins to ride to school, seeing as it starts in ten minutes, he doesn’t even have time for breakfast. 

He brings the bike to a stop in front of the school and puts it in his normal spot on the rack, running over to the entrance of the building and into the crowded hallways, maneuvering semi-skillfully through the halls and making his way to his locker, the Losers all stand by it, Bev and Stan deep in their lockers. Eddie meets Richie’s gaze, the Tozier smiling and outreaching his arms, he begins to walk towards Eddie, stopping abruptly. Eddie stops in stride, people passing around them and between them, the two boys staring at each other with wide-eyed expressions, color beginning to fill their vision, the new, vibrant colors surrounding them almost overwhelming, almost.

“Jesus fucking Christ...” Richie whispers, his arms falling to his sides.

“Are you two okay?” Bev and Mike ask simultaneously, catching the attention of the other three.

“Yeah, yeah... great..” Richie mumbles, waving them off, the five, stare for a few moments before grabbing their books and leaving the two, classes soon to start. Richie stares at Eddie, taking in the new colors, specifically that on the younger boy, from the blue of the jeans he’d been forced to wear do to the dropping temperatures, to the red, white, and blue Captain America sweatshirt he wears. 

“You..?” Eddie asks quietly, “of all people, you?” He breathes, everything setting in.

“Looks like it was just meant to be from the start...” Richie says with a nervous chuckle, pink rising into his cheeks.

The world feels like it’s spinning around them, though it’s worse for Eddie, his lungs tightening, he begins to struggle to breathe, terror making its way into his expression as he struggles to find open his fanny pack. Finally succeeding and finding his inhaler, he pops the lid off, bringing the plastic part to his mouth with trembling hands, he presses down on the cold metal, inhaling the substance it releases as he does so. 

“You?” He repeats, having begun to breathe again, but the privilege being ripped away from him way too quickly, he goes back for a second dose, this one succeeding.

“You okay now?” Richie asks once Eddie’s breathing stabilizes.

“No, no I’m not... we’re....” he looks around, the hallways clearing at a steady pace, “we’re both males..!” He whispers yells. 

“Yeah? So?”

“That isn’t right! People will hate and bully us, even more so than usual!” Tears begin to well up in his eyes.

“Eddie, calm down...” Richie says softly, walking over to him, he takes the inhaler from his hands, putting the cap back on it and putting it back in his fanny pack. “We’ll be okay,” Richie moves his hands up, hesitantly moving them to cup Eddie’s cheeks, giving him enough time and not gripping him tight enough to keep him from moving away, “You want to know why?” He asks.

“W-w-why..?” Eddie whimpers, sniffling as tears begin to spill.

“Because,” he starts, gently wiping the tears from Eddie’s eyes, “we have each other, and that’s all that matters, even before... this... you were my best friend, and I completely understand if you want to keep it that way, I’m fine with taking it at whatever pace you want to, but I want you to know I’m here for you, okay? I love you, Eddie...” he finishes, the last sentence coming out as a whisper.

A small smile appears on Eddie’s face, “Thanks, Richie...” he silences for a moment, eyes falling to look at the ground for a few beats before looking back up at Richie, “I need a little bit of time, this is a lot to be happening at once...” he admits.

Richie returns the smile, pulling his hands back slowly and taking a small step away from Eddie, “Take all the time you need,” he says as he drops his arms to his sides.

“You should probably head to class so you’re not late,” Eddie says with a chuckle, wiping his eyes and nose with the back of his hand and arm.

“Alrighty, I’ll see you in class, Eddie Spaghetti,” Richie walks away, pointing at Eddie with his finger guns.

Eddie heads to his locker, digging in there for his books and making a break for his classroom once he has the ones necessary for his first class, entering the room just as the bell rings. God, what a great way to begin the day?

~~~

“I love you, Richie...” Eddie whispers, gently moving his trembling hand back to Richie’s neck, moving it up slightly to pet his hair. He swallows thickly, beginning to struggle to breathe.

“I-I love you too, Eds... we’re-,” he takes in a shuttering breath, “we’re gonna get you out of here, okay? Just please hang on...” he sobs.

“Don’t call me ‘Eds’, you know I hate that nickname...” Eddie says softly, moving his head so he can press a small kiss to Richie’s forehead, “Don’t forget me...”

~~~

The day passes all too slowly, the anxiety consuming his mind, pushing and pulling whenever it pleases, making it feel like he’s sky-high one minute and drowning him the next. Yes, he’s happy he found his soulmate, yes, he’s happy it’s someone he knows, and yes, he has admittedly had a crush on Richie for longer than he cares to think about, but at the same time, it’s wrong to like someone of the same sex, it’s illegal to get married, and you can’t create children, not only that, but your whole family will hate you and so will society because it isn’t right.

Eddie begins to hyperventilate again, for around the seventh time today, struggling to make his way out of the school while fishing around in his fanny pack for it once more. He sucks in some of the medication within the canister, exiting the building and heading to their usual meeting place, the clubhouse.

He thinks nothing of the colors he can now see, too scared of everything going on to accept their beauty and properly enjoy them, it’s not worth it to try if you can’t truly enjoy it. He drops his bike down a few feet from the entrance, going over to the door and opening it, he enters the hole, shutting the same door above him before dropping to the ground. He turns, making a startled noise as he sees Richie, albeit asleep, but still there. Eddie stands there for a few moments, swallowing thickly before approaching the sleeping male, removing the comic that rests on his chest, he closes it and sets it down in the wicker basket beside his best friend, debating for a moment before getting in the hammock with him, deciding against sitting in the seats since, well, the hammock is more comfortable, and if Richie truly is his soulmate, then he shouldn’t mind... shouldn’t being the keyword.

The movement of the hammock startles Richie awake, the fifteen-year-old almost falling off the hammock, and he would have had it not been for Eddie grabbing his arm.

Richie quickly looks over at Eddie, processing what happened, he places his other hand over his heart, gasping softly, “Mister Kaspbrak! My knight in shining armor!” He says in a mock tone, Eddie releasing his grip on his arm and looking away, a small smile working its way into his face, “My beauty would’ve been forever damaged had you not done that! I assume you slew the dragon too?” 

“Why of course I did, you twat,” Eddie sneers, looking back at Richie as he says it, playfully punching his arm.

“Oh! I’m free from my seemingly eternal slumber, and the tower I’m being kept in now that the dragon is gone!” Looks like Richie is doing well.

Eddie giggles softly, Richie smiling in turn, “So, how was class?” He asks, getting comfortable once again and watching Eddie.

“Fine, you disappeared before our last period, though...”

“Yeah, because I didn’t need to sit through that substitute’s bullshit again, the same lesson three days in a row, we understand it, move on already!” He exclaims, sitting up and throwing his arms out, staying in the position while he talks before returning to a more relaxed one, pushing his glasses farther up on the bridge of his nose while moving to lay back down.

“Well, she actually taught us something else today...” Eddie says solemnly, trying his best to hold off the smile that threatens to show itself.

“Oh really? Fuck, guess I better head back to school today so I can catch up...” Richie says, seemingly concerned now.

“Yep, she changed up the order of her past three lessons,” Eddie says sadly.

“You’re an asshole.”

“Okay, trash mouth, I was going to tell you what I decided on, but I guess you don’t want to know,” Eddie responds breathily, crossing his arms and looking away.

“Wait, what? What did you decide on?” Richie asks.

“Can’t tell you, you don’t seem to care enough...” Eddie shakes his head in fake disappointment.

“Eddie cut the bullshit, I’m sorry, now tell me,” Richie moves to sit up once again, pushing himself back slightly so he can lean against something and still be upright.

“I’ll take that as a true apology because you are one of my best friends,” Eddie turns to look at him, “I decided that I’ll give it a chance...” he softly says after a few moments of silence.

Richie stares at him for a moment in confusion, “Ohhh... us?” He asks after it comes back to him.

“Yes, us, don’t be a dumbass.”

“I would never...”

“Oh, sure you wouldn’t...” 

The door to the clubhouse opens, both of the boys having just been smiling at each other, now turn their attention to whoever’s entering the clubhouse.

Beverly drops in first, Bill, Ben, Mike, then Stan soon following. “Oh, this is where you two went,” Bev notes, looking over at the two on the hammock.

“What’s up, bitches?!” Richie yells.

“Stop being a dick...” Stan murmurs, grabbing his shower cap and putting it on.

“I don’t know if you know Richie Tozier, but I don’t think that’s possible for him...” Mike states fondly.

“M-M-Mike does ha-have a point...” Bill admits.

“I’m surprised you guys haven’t gotten used to his demeanors,” Bev says, taking her backpack off and throwing it in the ground beside her seat. 

“Well, in any case, he’s a dick, end of story, let’s move on,” Eddie says simply, trying to finish this conversation and change the topic.

The losers, including Richie, all make various noises of agreement, Stan and Bill beginning to talk about a book they had to read for a report, Bev and Ben joining in soon after, the conversation turning many different ways and going over different topics, divulging into absolute chaos by the end.

Their time together always feels so short, they laugh and joke until the sun sets, even sometimes after. Eddie can honestly say that he couldn’t have ever met better people, even with their flaws, the experiences and feelings each one brings along with them, for better or for worse, are all things he couldn’t live without, from something as simple as eating ice cream with the group to something as stupid as getting stuck cleaning the bleachers with one of them, every memory they’ve made with each other, he wouldn’t trade them for the world.

They all head home at around nine, Richie joining Eddie once again, and after being able to settle on pursuing a relationship with each other, the anxiety dissipates to a degree. Eddie, still scared of what other people will think, talks to Richie about keeping their relationship a secret until he’s comfortable with coming out, a simple request that Richie gladly agrees to. Maybe their relationship won’t be worse for wear after this, maybe it’ll improve and grow, but then again, only time will tell.

~~~

“I could never forget you, Eddie,” Richie says, bringing his hands up to Eddie’s head, he places his shaking hands on his cheeks, completely coated in blood, but despite this and the pain that surges through Eddie’s face due to the wound in his cheek, he leans into Richie’s hand.

“I know, I just wanted to hear you say it...” he says with a small chuckle, pressing one more lingering kiss to his forehead, he pulls away slowly, making Richie look back up at him, a small smile on his face, fond, his eyes showing peace and not fear, and Richie finds something comforting in this fact.

~~~

It continues like this for a few months, even through the winter, when they have to choose someone’s house or a building to hang out at after school, Richie always accompanies Eddie on his walk or ride home. Now, both having the ability to see color, they’re mostly silent on their trips home, admiring the beauty around them, whether it be the leaves falling, the snow coating the ground, flowers that decorate the sides of houses and the sidewalk, or simply the beauty and majesty of the sky, whether cloudy or sunny, day or night, the beauty found up in the sky is endless.

One night, towards the beginning of summer, Eddie goes over to Richie’s house, the two of them sitting on the couch on Richie’s back porch, Eddie lying in Richie’s arms as the two watch the sunset, stars beginning to form behind them, all they do is watch for over two hours, the sun setting and moon rising, such simple things they had never been able to truly enjoy due to monochrome sight or busy lives, now they can enjoy it in each other's arms, feeling each others heartbeats, calm, slow, and paced. It was this night, in the summer of 1992, on the night they first began what was soon to become a ritual of sorts, before Eddie left, Richie stopped him, stumbling over his words, and his face flushing, for the first time Richie seems nervous, honestly and truly nervous, he had shown who he really was to Eddie when it was only them, but seeing him struggle to speak made Eddie upset. A man that always speaks his mind and puts in his two sense so matter if it’s wanted or even makes sense son struggling to speak. Richie becomes increasingly flustered over the minute he tries to speak for, Eddie waiting patiently with a smile conveying adoration.

“-so uh... in conclusion, I love you and was wondering if you’d be okay with me kissing you?” Richie finishes, nervousness and embarrassment fairly obvious.

Eddie chuckles quietly, color rising to his cheeks, “I love you too, Richie, and you don’t need to ask for permission...”

“Well, you see, I just didn’t want to scare you or force you int-“ Eddie cuts Richie off, taking him by the collar of his shirt and getting on his tippy toes in order to reach Richie’s face, gently pressing their lips together in a soft and sweet kiss.

Richie’s eyes widen slightly, it takes him a few beats to register what's happening and kiss back, the two pulling apart seconds after. “Wow, that was...” he sighs quietly and lets a nice silence fill the air.

“Great....” Eddie finishes his sentence for him, disturbing the quiet for a moment, Richie nodding in agreement with the adjective he chose.

~~~

“Don’t cry for what could have been,” Eddie says, his voice breaking slightly as a tear falls from his eye. He wills himself to hold them back, not wanting to make this worse on Richie. “Be happy because of what we had and the memories we made, through the ups and downs, remember everything that we were.”

Richie nods, silently agreeing to Eddie’s terms, but even so, Eddie wants to hear him say it out loud.

“Say it,” he pleads, wanting to make sure Richie isn’t just absentmindedly nodding like he usually does.

“I promise, I can’t promise that today, or the next day, or maybe even the next, but after, I’ll only be happy, okay? I promise, I owe that to you, Eddie, I owe you so much more, but I can’t repay that debt, there isn’t enough time....” he chokes out.

“You don’t owe me anything... your support and love were enough to get me through even the worse of days, and... that’s all I could’ve ever hoped for....” Eddie responds, the end of the sentence coming out slower than the rest, his eyes falling and grip loosening.

“No, no, no, Eddie, please, stay with me, I can’t lose you,” Richie beseeches, color slowly draining a few seconds ago now draining quickly.

Ben and Mike exchange a look, the cave now beginning to collapse around them at a noticeable rate, the two moving forward, Mike places a hand in Richie’s shoulder, “He’s gone,” Mike states softly.

“No,” Richie swallows what feels like pins in his throat, “he can’t be, we have to, we have to bring him out, we can take him to a hospital and they can help him,” Richie tries to explain, refusing to let go of Eddie’s body.

“We don’t have much time, guys,” Bev states, looking around at the falling rocks.

Ben and Mike, although not wanting to stop Richie from mourning, or make anything worse, pry him off of Eddie, practically dragging him out of the sewers and Neibolt house, he tries to break from their grip numerous times, but luckily they escape just in time. 

Richie breaks down, falling to his knees before the house as it collapses in on itself. He watches as it seems to be sucked into a black hole, his whole world seemingly now on fire. But even so, even through his hazy mind, he remembers his promise to Eddie, and while he will miss him and will never be able to forgive himself for what happened in this godforsaken building and town, he knows that eventually, he needs to accept that this, this is real life after all, and it’ll be better for him... and for Eddie too...

~~~

Their relationship develops slowly, the pair pacing themselves and not doing anything until they’re comfortable with it. Days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years; time passes and they only grow closer, having no major fights, and being supportive of the other unless they felt there was something bad or wrong about what the other wanted. Small arguments erupted here and there, but they always worked through it, the rest of the losers always behind them and pushing them back together.

Even though they weren’t out to their friends, and only ‘roommates’ to everyone they knew, their friends were never afraid to offer help, and even though they were sometimes afraid to ask for it, eventually, they always did.

By the age of 29, they both had stable jobs and had their own house, the next year, Richie proposed to Eddie, he asked the big question on their anniversary, the two out on the balcony, the light of the moon washing over them and reflecting off the ring. Eddie obviously accepted, though scared of what was to come, he was still excited by the thought of it, being able to take on life with his best friend from childhood.

It wasn’t until the fall of 2015, eight years later, that they were able to get married, and not even a year later, they were summoned back to Derry.

Through the twenty-three years they were together, the pair learned three main rules to live by: enjoy the little things, simple, easily overlooked things, since they usually bring the most joy, take something you love and hold onto it since you don’t know when it will disappear, and stay positive no matter the situation since you never know if it’ll get worse, and having a positive outlook numbs the pain more than negativity does.

Despite their different upbringings and their differences, they were united by several things, numerous interests, their friends, even unto the end, and the glue that held them together, their infatuation with the colors and beauty of nature, and leading up to Eddie’s end, he could safely admit before he was taken from this world that if he had the opportunity to change anything in his life, he’d change nothing since he lived it with his other half, his soulmate, Richie Tozier, and even though everything, they were always there for each other, and that was something he would never change, even if it meant seeing the sunset one last time.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know, I hate me too


End file.
